2 Days....2months later

Two days until surgery. You would think it gets easier the more I do this. It doesn't. I am feeling so panicky lately. I am grateful I know what to expect while at the hospital. I have some idea what to expect for recovery. I have some idea how to plan for my family's needs. I still feel just as scared.

I come today to write a post and try to sort out somewhat what has happened the last two months and find this draft post I started 2 months ago.  Wow, I felt scared, but somewhat prepared for what to expect. Ha! I was so wrong.

It is always hard to hand your child over to an anesthiologist. Each time you do it is just as hard as the first. I did well preparing myself for the day and the immediate recovery period. I asked for help and found a lot. However, I did not expect the surgery to be as big as it was.

 I heard Dr. Healy say overnight for pain control, we might have to break the bone. Well, I have seen overnight for pain control and he usually comes out of it and is in a good mood by 7 or 8 or so and I think we could have gone home. If the bone is broken, well he broke it before and it was casted outpatient- so piece of cake! Sam should be back to school within a week.

This was the longest Sam has ever been under anesthesia. Bone was broken because it was too curved to fit the rod in otherwise. Dr. Healy came out saying he is giving Sam a PCA for pain control. (A button he can push to get meds when he wants.) He will be in a RJ on both legs with a bar between. That is a softer cast/splint/pressure bandage type of thing. Sam was in the hospital for 4 days. On day 3 the RJ was replaced with casts Sam had for 3 weeks.

He could not walk. With the casts he could not fit into his wheelchair and we had a huge rental one. Pain was still an issue. I found out that nurses repositioning him every 2 to 4 hours and a fancy hospital bed that moves and has air moving through the mattress helps to bring down pain levels. We got home and his pain seemed to increase. He needed help for everything. The positioning of his legs in the cast magnified the deformity of his right femur. When he got the casts off and a single one on the right leg, Dr. Healy verified that we will likely need to do this again for the femur.

It was about that point I really hit rock bottom in a burnt out state. We went to a free movie compliments of Hope Kids and instead of thinking of what a fun time that was and what a great movie, Muppents. I came away irritated and grumbly at the hassle of dealing with everything-casts and wheelchairs in a small  4 door sedan, stairs in the house, hassle, hassle, hassle every time I turned around. So much effort to just do a simple movie.

It was here that I should have had more help. I don't even know what kind of help. I just spent to much time wallowing here. I was even beginning to question why I was putting Sam and our family through this. After all, people have quirks and difference, so what if he was a limp?

Sam spent three weeks out of school and a week of spring break recovering before being able to return to school.

At this time God brought in some key factors. I stumbled across a group therapy class called Mad Mom, Sad Mom, Hurried Mom, Woried Mom. It has helped to talk it out. I also talked with someone at our church who has a son, now grown and with 2 kids of his own, who went through a lot of similar orthopedic stuff. Totally different diagnosis, but they know what it is like to deal with spica casts, braces, therapy and such. They even used the same hospital we do. To see the end results of aggressive treatment resulting in an adult living a full productive life was so encouraging. God also brought a dear mom into my life, a former La Leche League leader like myself and wonderful christian.

I began to climb out of the pit and feel more encouraged. Then I heard a song on the radio, I AM by Crowder. It caught my attention because 1) I Am holding on to you-Yea through the storm I can hold on a get through. 2) There's no end to amazing grace-Grace has been on my mind and I have created a playlist called Grace. I came home and looked up the song on You Tube. Wow, was I wrong. "I" am not holding on to God, "I Am" is holding onto me. In the bottom of burnt out self pity wallowing pit, God is holding on to me. When I am to absorbed in my troubles to see His Grace finds me.

Tomorrow we go and get Sam's single cast off and x-rays. I anticipate that he should be able to walk again. He will get a brace that looks like a beefed up shin guard.  Then he should be good for the summer. Then again, who knows what will happen. I have been suprised to many times to know it might happen again.